Your email:  
Subscribe Unsubscribe  

Dallas was 12 - 1 last year after its win over the Packers.  Since that apex, the Cowboys went 1 - 2 and 0 - 1 in the playoffs ~ a 1 - 3 finish to the 2007 season.  They’re 4 - 3 this season, meaning the Dallas Cowboys are 5 - 6 over the last 11 games.  Cool beans.  Very impressive.  About what one would expect from the Cardinals.  Oops.  Lost to them.  Okay, then about what one would expect from the Rams.  Oops.  Lost that one, too.

And the Cowjokes can now turn to Buttermilk Puffalump, their fightin’ head coach, to right the ship.  Don’t know about you, but I’m not feeling too good about that!

Too bad Dallas can’t rent Parcells for a couple of weeks.  Don’t want him back forever and for always, but a four week visit, specializing in name taking and butt kicking . . . that would be sweet.

Sounds like a C&W hit, about which, more some other time.

Except for those scamps from Philly, who managed to eek out a squeaker, a 14 point win over the Niners,  the NFC East Beast Masters took a righteous pounding from the Rams of St. Louis and their 19 - 17 thumping of the Redskins from Goofyland, and from the Cardinals of Arizona, 30 - 24 winners, and rightfully so, over the little dallas cowpokes, who are to underachieving as the French are to souffles.  Actually, the Cardinals beat the Cowboys in so many ways so many times, they’re getting 1.5 wins for today’s scrum.

But for those of us who used to follow the little dallas cowpokes in detail, i.e., before they became dead to me, we want to express our appreciation for the early delivery of our Annual December/January Fade.  No need now for any of us to get our hopes up for the postseason.  The little dallas cowpokes are fading like your 401K, like a subprime mess, like a liar’s loan in cleats.  Hoping to stay tied with the Atlanta Falcons for the eventual, last remaining wildcard slot is not much to get excited about.

Hey, the good thing about allowing the opponent to have the ball first and kicking deep to them and allowing them to run back the kickoff for a touchdown is that you have 59 minutes and 45 seconds to gain back the seven points you allowed on the first play of the game  . . .

Sometimes the story is told about a scorpion and a frog.  Sometimes it’s told about a scorpion and a turtle.  I like the version about the snake and the man.  For those of you who’ve not heard it before, here it is.

One evening a man was walking down the road.  It was bitterly cold, and the man folded his arms around himself, drawing his long and heavy winter coat closer about himself to try to keep warm.  The wind was blowing and biting at his face, and he held his head down to avoid the wind.  As he walked, he spotted something in the road.  It was a snake, a large snake.  It was barely moving, trying to seek some sort of shelter from the wind and cold, but it was dying, freezing to death.

The man moved wide to walk around the snake, but the serpent spoke: “Please, pick me up and put me under your heavy coat.  I am freezing to death, and if you won’t warm me up quickly, I will die.”

“That would be crazy,” the man said, “If I do that, when you’re warm and can move again, you’ll bite me and poison me and I will die.”

“No, don’t be foolish,” said the snake, “Surely I wouldn’t do that.  If I bit you, you would fall to the ground, and I would no longer be warmed by you, and then I would die.  I wouldn’t do that.”

Against his better judgment, the man agreed to save the snake.  He picked up the almost stiff form and placed it under his coat and continued his walk, holding the snake safe.  As time went on, the man could feel the snake moving again, warmed by the man’s own heat.  And then the serpent struck, biting the man in the chest, sinking his fangs into the man’s heart.

As he fell to the ground, dieing, the man cried out, “Why did you do that?  Now I will die and without my warmth, you will die!  Why did you do that?”

“Because I am a snake, and that is what snakes do.  And you knew that when you picked me up.”

The Dairy Queen:  The Jets of New York City were on a bye this past weekend, so we have nothing to report today from and about The Dairy Queen.  Perhaps he spent some time in front of his big screen TV, watching His Former Teammates take major pipe, big time, from Those Frisky, Frolicking Pups, the Hotlanta Falcons, but we don’t know for sure.  So we’ll cut The Dairy Queen some slack this week and return another time.

Tips for Your Kiddies from Your Old Uncle Ned Segment:

It’s time to introduce a new and occasionally recurring segment to Cassidy’s Corner.  We’ll check with your old Uncle Ned for dispatches from the front as developments warrant. 

Today, Uncle Ned is outside the joint on his work release program, and as part of his community service, Uncle Ned feels compelled to talk to your little tykes, from a safe distance, and remind them that never, under any circumstances, do you lay the 17 points.  Uncle Ned doesn’t care if you’re getting the Pokes at home vs. the visiting Bengals.  Uncle Ned doesn’t even care if you’re getting the Lions at Rome vs. the visiting Christians.  Never, ever, under any circumstances, lay the 17 points.  It’s a stupid, sucker bet.  If you make that sort of chump decision often, you’ll be getting visits from Big Vinnie the Tuna and his boys on Tuesdays, pay up day.  And it’s not like you’re Fannie Mae or Freddie Mac or AIG ~~ ain’t no bailout for you, sucka!

Uncle Ned has to go now.  There’s a lot more trash along the roadside that Uncle Ned and his cellies need to pick up before it gets dark, and he has to go back inside.

 The Overreaction Segment:

Well, I’ll be dipped.  It’s also time to introduce another new and occasionally recurring segment to Cassidy’s Corner.  This one is called The Overreaction Segment, and it goes something like this:

The Pokes beat the Brownies, who are 1 - 3.  The Pokes beat the Packers, who are 2 - 3.  The Pokes beat the Eagles at home, who are 2 - 3.  The Pokes beat the Bengals at home, who are 0 - 5.  The Pokes beat four losers, combined record of 5 - 14.  The Pokes lost to the 4 - 1 Redskins, at home ~~ lost at home to the only team they’ve played so far with a winning record.  Meanwhile, the Giants are 5 - 0 (technically, four wins, but according to WadePhillipsSpeak, the Giants also won the Bye), and what else needs to be said about them?  The Skins are 4 - 1, losing their opener on the road to the Giants, but beating the Cowboys and Eagles on the road the last two weeks.  And the Redskins remaining three NFC East games are all at home.  As Maurice Chevalier would say and sing, “Thank heavens, for little girls,” or in this case, thank heavens for the 2 - 3 Eagles or Iggles (or Giggles?), who are keeping the Pokes out of last place in the NFC East.

Face it, the Cowboys suck.  They may beat the 3 - 2 Cardinals next Sunday and if so, go to 5 - 1.  They’ll probably beat the 0 - 4 Rams two weeks from now, and go to 6 - 1.  Then they’ll lose the rest of their games, ending up at 6 - 10 for the year.  The Jerry will fire the Fur Ball, the Ol’ Fluffy Buttermilk Muffin Man, The Wade Man, Wade the Fade, and announce, re-announce actually, that 500 coaches could coach this team, leaving The Jerry with no option other than to bring back Barry Switzer off his couch in Oklahoma …

Five pertinent questions: 1.)  With Terrance Newman riding the pines this week due to a tweaked hammie, it’s not fair to consider him the most overrated cornerback in the NFL.  But fortunately, we don’t have far to look for his replacement: So, is Adam Jones the most overrated cornerback in the NFL?  Three balls bounce off his Clanghammers, three dead on interception chances.  Maybe he needs to get back to the Naughty Bits Bars so he can get his hands back into action, if you know what I mean and I think you do.  2.)  And moving up from Pertinent Question # 5 last week, we have Tony Romo and the ongoing question of: Wasn’t that the second, oops, no, now it’s third, as in first, second, third consecutive off game in a row from Tony Romo?  3.)  Blah.  4.)  Blah.  5.)  Blah.

Not a Segment, Really: Rather, Just an Outright Theft from andy@borowitzreport.com:

October 4, 2008                                                     
O.J. Seeks Bailout                                                  
Juice: Incarceration Would Hurt Cable Nets’ Bottom Line                                                                                                                                             
Minutes after being convicted of robbery and kidnapping in Las Vegas, former football great O.J. Simpson said he would seek government intervention, claiming that his imprisonment would cost the nation’s cable news networks untold billions of dollars.        
                                                                                                                                    
“My three trials have generated billions of dollars for the cable TV industry, not to mention the tabloids,” Mr. Simpson told reporters outside the Las Vegas courthouse.  “All those billions go away if I go away.”                                                                          
                                                                            
Mr. Simpson made his case for the government bailing him out of jail, arguing that as long as he is a free man he is likely to become involved in other criminal cases that could generate much-needed television revenue.                                     
                                                                                                                          
“As long as the Juice is loose, there’s no telling what trouble I’ll get into,” he promised.  “And that means one thing to the TV networks: cold hard cash.”                                          
                                                                                                                                                                      The former Heisman Trophy winner said that with the nation’s economy teetering on recession, the U.S. could ill afford “putting a major financial asset like O.J. Simpson out of circulation.”      
                                                                                                                                            
“You’ll see, the cable networks will miss me, and their bottom lines will show it,” he said.  “They can’t keep reporting about Lindsay Lohan being a lesbian forever.”                                                                                                                                        
At the University of Minnesota’s School of Law, professor Davis Logsdon said there is “a valuable lesson to be learned” from Mr. Simpson’s conviction: “Apparently, in America it’s easier to get away with murder than stealing sports memorabilia.”

 The I’m Just Sayin’ Segment: 

Since we haven’t introduced a new segment to this blog thing for, what, fifteen seconds, it’s now time to introduce a new segment to this blog thing ~~ The I’m Just Sayin’ Segment, and a shout-out thanks to Susanna Grace for the idea.  There’s also a little “g” droppin’ for the hockey-puck moms of the world.  Here’s the first I’m Just Sayin’ Segment, and it may give you a flavor of what we’re lookin’ for, so if you Main Streeters have any suggestions, send ‘em on in, okey dokey?  Y’betcha!!

Dallas Mornin’ News Briefs gives us the followin’:  “Astros pitcher Brandon Backe was among 10 people arrested during a brawl with police at a weekend wedding reception in a Galveston hotel bar.  The bride’s father, 19-year-old brother and a FEMA coordinator were also arrested Sunday at the hotel, a command center for emergency workers after Hurricane Ike.” 

Come on, now.  I mean, really.  How many things are just, plain wrong with those two sentences?  I’m just sayin’ …

Last Second Reminder of More Professional Football This Weekend:

Oklahoma University vs. The University of Texas at the Cotton Bowl in Dallas, Texas.  Paid players at their finest!  Stay tuned.

The Dairy Queen:  Last time, we were just getting in the spirit of The Dairy Queen, Brett Fvavrveve, that happy go lucky septuagenarian who throws a football for a living.  We thought we’d drop in on his doings on a sem-eye regular basis this fall.  We almost got that ball rolling with a fab new version of ABBA’s “Dancing Queen,” but we ran out of time and space and continuum.  So what better way to seamlessly pick up where we left of than to hear from the late, great Hank Stramm, my dear friend, who used to tell me, “Something left, Jack!  Something left!”  But I digress.  The late, great Hank Stram once told me, “Dick, we’ll matriculate it on down the field… ” with our own, original version of “The Dairy Queen” by none other than our Resident Lyricist, Rand Huguely!

 Apologies to ABBA . . .

You can run, you can throw, you can still be in the show
See that guy, live that dream, dig in the Dairy Queen

                                                                                         
Sitting at home in the old bayou
You know that isn’t the place for you
Working out on the weekends, getting in the swing
You still want to be the king
Anybody could be a match
Got an itch and you’re gonna scratch
Talk a bit to the Vikings, talking to the Bucs
You’re going to send a text
Thompson will be perplexed…

You are the Dairy Queen, not retired, somewhere in-between
Dairy Queen, see your face on a magazine (oh yeah)
You can play, you can win, you can outsmart the GM
See that team, crash that scene, dig in the Dairy Queen

All the Cheeseheads, they got turned on
You get ‘em cheering, and then you’re gone
They can have Aaron Rodgers, you still need the thrill
You turned down twenty-five mil

Now you’re off to the New York show
In the footsteps of Broadway Joe
Playing now for another, Pack is in the past
You’re leading a brand new team
At least the shirts are still green…

You are the Dairy Queen, make your stand, city in your hands
Dairy Queen, play your games in the Meadowlands (oh yeah)
You can play, you’re not done, you can bump Chad Pennington
See that guy, live that dream, dig in the Dairy Queen…

What a guy!  Six touchdowns in one game.  Chad Hutchison, Quincy Carter and Drew Henson, the Cowboys’ Boy Doyennes of Several Seasons in what is now referred to down here as The Gnarly Period, couldn’t throw six touchdowns in a full season.  Combined.  But last weekend, we had the JetBretts awaiting the Visitors from The Land of the Lost, Phoenix, with the Jets and The Dairy Queen being one silly looking, fourth down punt of a pass from a 0 - 3 record.  And the Dairy Queen comes out with six touchdowns.  Amazing.

By the way, the Cardinals of Phoenix turned the ball over seven times, leading The Rational F’ball Man to ponder this: how on earth could a defense force seven turnovers and still allow 35 points?  56 - 35.  That’s a point and a half per minute.

 

The Debridement Section:  Okay, okay, okay, enough childish glee with The Dairy Queen for one setting.  Let’s move on to something new ~~ The Debridement Section, where we remove non-living tissue from pressure ulcers, burns and other wounds.  We’re advised that necrotic tissue may become colonized with bacteria, producing an unpleasant odor.  Additionally, necrotic tissue may hide pockets of puss called abscesses.  We speak, of course, of Washington 26 - Dallas 24.  But take heart.  Not all wounds need debridement.  Depending on something beyond my imagination, perhaps field position or turnovers or toe jam, sometimes it’s better to leave a hardened crust of dead tissue, called an eschar, than to remove it and create an open wound.  (From HealthAtoZ.com, in case you want more.)  Here, debridement is called for, if for no other reason than the unpleasant odor, so we’ll pry off the hardened crust of necrotic tissue and examine the wound.  Somewhat.

First off, straight up, fair and square, the Skins of Red from The Land of The Bailout (or Rescue, depending), beat the whammy, hammy, dammy out of the Pokes from Dallas.  And related to that, this just in!  The Cowboys announced today that they’ve cut everyone on the roster other than Nick Folk, the field goal kicker.  They may bring L.P. Ladouceur back.  He’s the holder. (Is that a great name or what?  Louis-Philippe Ladouceur-Semeteys.  Wow.  Sounds like a goalie for the Montreal Canadian or an understudy for Maurice Chevalier.)  The cuts include Wade Phillips (Mr. Fix-It) and his defensive coordinator, who’s currently practicing his burger-flippin’-wrist-curl.  All but Folk and Ladouceur are gone right now, without payment of accrued vacation or PTO.

Toward the end of the game, Dallas took a time out.  It was third and whatever for the Washingtonians.  Time out over, Dallas lines up with 12 men on the field, 9.09% more than allowed.  To Dallas’ credit, with the extra man, they stuffed the Redskins’ next play.  I mean, it’s not like they didn’t take advantage of their cheating.  But the cranky, old officials missed the whimsy and threw a flag.  Replay the down, and the Redskins converted, getting four new downs.  They held the ball for three plus minutes and keek’d a touchdown, in the immortal words of my good, Armenian friend, Garabed Sarkis “Garo” Yepremian, who, by the way, is now nine months shy of being Medicare eligible.  (And remember, Dallas lost by two points.)  This prompted the Pokes’ Teddy Bear of a Coach to say, and we quote: “I can’t understand how two players playing the same position could be standing there.  I can’t fathom that.  They were standing right next to each other.”  Wade, get a grip.  These are f’ball players, not Nobel Laureates.

For reasons known only to Winken, Blinken and Nod (”Winken and Blinken are two little eyes, And Nod is a little head, And the wooden shoes that sailed the skies, Is the wee one’s trundle-bed.”  Check it out on google.com.  Cool.), Adam Jones felt compelled to speak.  Sayeth The Man of Pac:  “It was 12.  We were in single (coverage) and not to point fingers, but Pat (Watkins) shouldn’t have been on the field.”  Wonder what Pac would have said if he’d wanted to point fingers?

Lord have mercy, what a dreadful game.  And it wasn’t like one of those fraternity beer bust parties we used to go to decades ago, where we’d wake up the next morning with a horrible hangover, but nothing was real.  (Perhaps I’ve revealed too much … )  This was real.  The Sainted Eleven from Dallas did lose to the Evildoers from Washington.  I woke up Monday morning feeling like the entire Polish army, bootless, had encamped in my soul.

Five pertinent questions: 1.)  Is Terrance Newman the most overrated cornerback in the NFL?  2.)  How can Dallas’ pass coverage be so bad with Roy Williams riding the pines?  3.)  Who knew the Redskins had signed Santana Moss?  4.)  What would the Cowboys do without Dave Campo back as secondary coach, coaching ‘em up?  5.) Wasn’t that the second off game in a row from Tony Romo?

 

The Political Section:  We’re skipping religion this time, but we’re going to take a quick look at politics ~~ the sports version of politics.

A.) Did I share with you my latest theory? Okay, here goes. The winner of the election in November should be like the winner of the coin toss before a football game. Before a football game, the coin toss winner gets to decide whether to receive the ball or to kick off and receive the ball to start the second half. Likewise, November’s election winner should get that choice, i.e., deciding if he wants to be POTUS from 2009 - 2012 or from 2013 - 2016. If it were me, I’d kick off and let the other guy spend his four years unclogging this mess.

B.) This from Peter King’s Monday Morning QB on cnnsi.com: “Quote of the Week II - ‘It was such a bad pick, I thought Al Davis made it.’ ~~ Chris Rock, on The Howard Stern Show on Sirrus Radio, on John McCain’s selection of Sarah Palin as his vice-presidential running mate.”

C.) “The bailout was voted down. Nancy Pelosi was so shocked that if she could have made a facial expression, she would have.” ~~ Jay Leno

Previews of Next Time:  Perhaps more on The Dairy Queen.  Perhaps some Major League Baseball Playoffs.  Perhaps some NFL doings.  And perhaps the institution of The Official Terrell Owens Death Spiral Watch.  Sigh.  T.O.’s around the 25^th game with his “new” QB, Tony Romo, and that’s about when it started to unravel with Donovan McNabb in The City of Brotherly Love …  Scum sucking bottom feeders … ah, that would be the Giants, Iggles and Skins … get ready to pounce.