How lucky we are to have a handy little, tip ladened column on do’s and don’t’s for the tryouts for the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders!  Just the thing to pick you up from that numbing sameness and boredom of college and pro hoops, college and pro hockey, soccer, boxing, golf, tennis, curling, the luge, wrestling and other excruciatingly witless and mindless attempts to take our attention away from the fact that no f’ball is being played.

http://www.dallascowboyscheerleaders.com/news/news_detail.cfm?id=4D92A0FF-D2EC-1F63-C99A88B54DF42424

Again, it’s not necessary for you to thank me.

According to a story in the February 16th Time Magazine, the payoff on Fantasy Fishing is up to a cool, smooth running million smackers with a handful of hundred grand stops along the way.

Here’s what it says ~ ~

Fantasy Fishing

It’s crazy enough that someone can get paid $1 million for catching a fish–the angler who wins the championship tournament on the largest professional bass-fishing circuit in the country takes that awfully sweet bait. But it’s certifiably insane that someone else can sit on his or her butt and win a million bucks by predicting (actually, more like guessing) which fisherman will hook the biggest bass.

All the fantasy baseball leagues that give $1,000 to the winner are small fry compared with the high-stakes world of fantasy fishing. That’s right, fishing. The fantasy-sports craze has grown so large–it’s now an $800 million industry, with 30 million players in the U.S. and Canada–that folks are picking dream fishing teams. And if pisces don’t pump you up, there’s also fantasy surfing, fantasy motocross, even fantasy politics and fashion to satisfy your fix. (See the best and worst Super Bowl commercials of 2009.)

So how does fantasy fishing work? The company that runs the pro tour, FLW Outdoors–named after Forrest L. Wood, developer of the modern bass-fishing boat–also administers the free fantasy version at fantasyfishing.com The setup is simple. Before each of the six regular-season FLW tournaments (the first one starts Feb. 12 on Lake Guntersville in Huntsville, Ala.), players pick 10 anglers from the 155 pros who enter each tourney, in the order they believe the fishermen will finish. The better your picks do, the more points you rack up. And there’s a hefty bonus for an exacta–if your pick for first or second or third, etc., matches the tournament rankings. The player with the most points at the end of each competition gets $100,000. Whoever piles up the most points over all six tournaments wins the million, a record fantasy-sports payout.

FLW is also giving away boats, trucks and gift cards as part of the game. Overall, it’s distributing $10 million in cash and prizes to its top fantasy performers. During fantasy fishing’s ‘08 debut, many winners got lucky. Shellee Kuykendall, a stay-at-home mother of two in Little Rock, Ark., didn’t know fishing even had a pro circuit until she heard about the fantasy tournament from her husband and won $100,000. The million-dollar winner, a Minnesota man named Michael Thompson, had been out of work for more than a year before fishing saved him. Now he’s the face of fantasy fishing: Thompson says he just saw a cardboard cutout of himself at a boat show.

Despite such heartwarming stories, fantasy fishing does have detractors: the dozens of pros who would like to earn more than the few thousand bucks they’ve been reeling in. “Guys are struggling,” says Ken Wick, an FLW pro. “If anything, can’t the [fantasy] prizes be maybe $50,000 for the tournaments, and $250,000 for the big one? That’s still a good amount of money for playing around on your computer.”

FLW argues that the mondo prizes will draw new fans to fishing and thus are a long-term investment in the health of the sport. The strategy might just work. Why wouldn’t fans spend hours watching a guy fish if they knew they could catch a cool million?

You can check it all out at this link: http://www.nytimes.com/2009/02/07/sports/othersports/07luge.html?_r=1&ref=sports

This reminds me of the best luge story I can remember.  Admittedly not a big population, best luge stories, but nevertheless, this was the best:

Maybe two winter Olympics ago, someone asked the winning luger or lugeist what his strategy was.  He said his strategy was simple ~ ~ lay back and pray he doesn’t die.

And it’s short.  And it doesn’t involve not making the playoffs.  And it doesn’t involve going one and done when making the playoffs.  And it doesn’t involve T.O.  And it doesn’t involve Pacman Jones.  And it doesn’t involve Jerry Jones, who, though negotiating against no one, couldn’t make a deal with Dan Reeves.

Mark Nordman, friend of H&H (FOHH, or foe, foenetically) used to claim that the TBucs were the only NFC team to win the Super Bowl this century.  The New York Football Giants ruined that for Mark.  But now, Mark can claim the TBucs are the only NFC team to win the Super Bowl this century that has fired its Head Coach.  That’s a little clumsy and awkward to say as a team motto, but the TBucs have to go with what they can cobble together.  Gruden won the Super Bowl in his first year with the TBucs, playing with the team Tony Dungy assembled, and since then, he’s done a great Chucky imitation, but he’s not been successful overall.  He’s not been the dunce that Barry Switzer was as the Cowboys’ coach from 1994 - 1997, but Gruden reminds me of Switzer, who won the 1995 Super Bowl with the players Jimmy Johnson had assembled and then tweedle dum’d and tweedle dee’d as the team sank to 6 - 10 in his last year.

Meanwhile, Jerry Jones continues to rearrange the deck chairs on the Titanic as the Pokes sink into the Trinity River.  Dallas fired Brian Stewart, the defensive coordinator.  By the way, reports have it that Jerry, not the “head” coach, fired Brian Stewart.  Stewart was the author of the Stewart 3 - 4 when Dallas’ defense played poorly.  When Dallas’ defense began to improve, the defense became, or rebecame, the Phillips 3 - 4.  Then when the season was slipping away and the Cows allowed a 77 yard TD run to Baltimore and then an 82 yard TD run to Baltimore on Baltimore’s next offensive play - a feat never accomplished in the history of the NFL to that point - and then the Cows’ defense held the Eagles to 44 points in the finale, the defense rebecame the Stewart 3 - 4, and it was Stewart who took the fall.  Nero fiddles; Rome burns; and minions are thrown under the bus.  Let’s mix a metaphor or two here.  And that’s called progress.  It’s beyond silliness.  Somewhere south of silly is daffy, and that’s where Jerry has driven this situation.  15 years ago, Jimmy Johnson left in an ego snit with Jerry Jones.  That was after the 1993 season.  1994 was a good season.  1995 was a Super Bowl season.  1996 was the last playoff victory.  From 1997 through 2008, the Cowboys’ regular season record has been 95 - 97, or a winning percentage of 49.48%.  How Bout Them Cowboys?!

Think back to the Cow’s last game (before Dallas won the fourth quarter, 3 - 0 in its 44 - 6 loss to the Eagles).  Jerry Jones was asked whether missing the playoffs would result in coaching changes.  [Note:  The phrase "missing the playoffs" is key here.  The preseason goal was to get to the Super Bowl, as in GET to the SUPER BOWL.  By mid-November and certainly early December, the team's goal was no longer getting to the Super Bowl; rather, its goal had wilted to the point of simply making the playoffs.  Like a discarded lover, Dallas continued to modify its goals, flushing the once-proud ones down the crapper to reflect its abysmal performance.]  Jerry was adamant, stating and restating, “The coaching staff is in place.  The coaching staff is in place.  One if by land.  Two if by sea.”

So by this point, mid-January and deep into the playoffs the Cows were supposed to rule, the special teams coach has been fired, the defensive coordinator has been fired, and the offensive coordinator is looking for some place solid to place his feet.  My oh my, isn’t it a sad commentary that the St. Louis Rams would look more solid to Garrett at this stage than do the Dallas Cowboys?  Try though he might, Jerry cannot be reincarnated as the late Georgia Frontiere, a/k/a Madame Ram, so he continues to strive for a spot on emulation of Al Davis, that merrie, madcap mystery master of all things Raider.  Meanwhile, he masquerades as Baghdad Bob, denying the Americans were even on Iraqi soil as the troops entered Baghdad.

Jerry is a clown, and not the good kind.  The scary kind.  Two years ago, Jason Garrett was such a find that Jerry hired him as offensive coordinator before he’d hired Buttercup Puffalump as “head” coach.  Great year offensively in 2007, and locals began referring to Garrett as TRJ, The Red-Headed Jesus.  Jerry gave Jason $3,000,000 to remain as offensive coordinator/assistant head coach, and Garrett was considered the Head Coach in Waiting.  Apparently, Jason was in waiting for the job with another team.  2008 was not a great year offensively, at least not compared to 2007.  Romo missed three games, MB III missed a couple of games and never regained his style with his toe injury, the offensive line was offensive.  Other issues arose, including T.O pontificating about the scheme being inadequate and Garrett being inadequate and himself not being unleashed sufficiently and blah blah blah.  And yes, finally, the U.S.S. T.O. unloaded broadside shots at Romo, the third quarterback in a row that T.O. has found reason to diss as T.O.’s skills erode.  But T.O. cannot accept any responsibility for his own failings, so Garrett is now a chump and isn’t ready to be the head coach of the Cows, as though anyone with cognitive processes couldn’t do better than BP.  Meanwhile,  Garrett’s roaming around the countryside, looking for and at head coaching jobs while Jerry the Clown stands pat with BP.  Quel nut job.

I ask you one simple question:  Have you ever seen Jerry Jones and the Queen from Alice in Wonderland in the same photo?  No, you’ve not.  And do you know why?  They’re the same person.  Jerry’s just a goofball when it comes to running the Cows.  It’s his toy and he won’t let anyone else play with it.  What a pity.

Possible pairings that would thrill to the bone.

Steelers v. Eagles:  Yeah, yeah, yeah.  Keystone Super Bowl as successor to Subway Super Bowl, which almost happened except The Dairy Queen blew up and Eli looked like he’d restupified.  We’ve not seen that may picks since the Huns and Visigoths disbanded, or reformed into the Ravens.  Anyhow, it would be a game of very big and large humans playing excellent defense for the Steelers and littler, smaller humans playing excellent defense for the Eagles.  It would display the rebirth of Willie Parker, back to his league leading form prior to injury last year.  It would display The Strange Case of Brian Westbrook, who everyone is expecting to cut loose for 140 yards but maybe he can’t do it anymore???  And it would be a showcase for Big Ben from Miami University, the first college founded west of the Allegheny Mountains, the Harvard of the Midwest, the Cradle of Coaches, and Donovan, who’s been to this dance, what, five times before?  Possibly an interesting Super Bowl.  MVP candidate would be Jim Johnson, the Eagles defensive coordinator.

Ravens v. Eagles:  How can the NFL Gods allow this, a rookie quarterback captaining a team that was 5 - 11 last season, in the Super Bowl?  It is unconventional beyond imagination.  And The Flacco would be getting there without the benefit of the infamous “tuck rule.”  Somehow, he would be getting there with less input on the offense than anyone since Dave Woodley or whoever that guy was with the Fins three decades ago.  It’s hard to be excited about the Ravens unless your life work is as a p.o., parole officer.  The most confused guy in the neighborhood has to be Brian Billick, who looked for a decade for a QB, since he/Billick, was the QB Guru, and never found one.  What a strange game f’ball is.  Ten years ago, a stock boy via NFL Europe takes over when Trent Green and someone else gets injured in St. Louis, and Kurt Warner directs The Greatest Show on Turf for a couple of years.  A couple of years later, Tom Brady takes over when Drew Bledsoe gets smacked in the chest way too hard, and wins three SBs in four years.  With some help, but wins them nonetheless.  This year, two or three guys named Fred or Norman were slated to be the Ravens QB and one got the flu or something and the other got injured, and The Flacco appears out of nowhere.  Grand story lines here for sports writers, I suppose, but would anyone really care?

Ravens v. Cardinals:  What looks like a simple case of defense versus offense, Goliath versus David, The Black Plague versus Sunlight and Roses ~ Ravens versus Cardinals ~ could be more.  This could be the best ride house money has had in a long time.  Let’s wait on this possibility and come back to it in a week if necessary.

Steelers v. Cardinals: Interesting stuff, what with the Cards’ Head Coach being a leading candidate for the Steelers’ Head Coaching position when The Chin & Spittle left.  And maybe the Cards’ OLine Coach being a good candidate for the same Steelers’ HC position at that same time.  And the Cards beat the Steelers last year, 21 - 7 in the desert.  What’s the Steelers’ biggest advantage over the Ravens this weekend?  Defense?  Nope, those even out.  Weather?  Nope, Ravens can play in bad/cold weather.  Home field?  Nope, but it will be some advantage.  Nosiree, the Steelers’ advantage will be a franchise QB vs. a rookie QB.  Will that advantage play against the Cardinals?  Depends.  If Jim Johnson, Eagles’ Defensive Coordinator, can take Warner out this weekend in the NFC Championship Game, then it would be The Flacco vs. Matt Lionheart, or not, in the Super Bowl.  Ugly.  But if it’s Big Ben against Kurt?  Could be interesting.

And so what about these Cardinals?  They set out to shut down the Pumas’ running game, one of the best running games in the NFL, and they did it.  They set out last week to shut down Steve Smith, one of the best receivers in the NFL, and they did it.  This week?  My guess would be to shut down Westbrook and put Cromarte on DeSean Jackson so his speed doesn’t kill, and see what happens.

This would be my own personal favorite Super Bowl of these final four.  But again, more about that this coming week.

And Oh By The Way:  You do know, don’t you, that Dallas managed to lose to all of the final four, three of them in December.  See, this way Dallas can spin it that the eventual Super Bowl winner was the one who kept them out of the playoffs.  It’s like getting that field goal in the fourth quarter and holding the Eagles out of the end zone (for the fourth quarter), so that even though the Cows got their hiney handed to them, 44 - 6, they can say they won the fourth quarter and are going into the 2009 training camp with that momentum on their side.

“This coming Sunday, I’m going to watch the NFC Championship Game in Phoenix, on the Cardinals’ home field.”

When last we considered Brett Favre, The Dairy Queen, he’d taken his prima donna I-Am-The-Queen act from the Dairy State and moved it 1,000 miles east southeast from Green Bay to New York City.  Let’s not revisit the retiring and unretiring and returning and unreturning and Ms. Favre’s take and the agent’s take and so on and so forth, an emotional roller coaster not seen since Leslie Gore’s “It’s my party and I’ll cry if I want to, cry if I want to, cry if I want to, you would cry too if it happened to you.”

There’s an interesting story by Erik Boland in January 9th’s Newsday.  Boland points out that Favre, for the third time since the Jets quit playing December 28th, has told the sports media that it will be weeks before he can make a determination whether he’ll play next year.  Perhaps no one was listening the first two times he made that point.  Perhaps no one really cared.  The article says Farve told ESPN’s Ed Werder that the Jets’ Mike Tannenbaum told Favre he’d call him in a month and meanwhile, Brett should just get away from football and not think about it.  That, apparently, doesn’t include not talking to national sports media outlets about how he’s getting away from football and not thinking about it and, oh by the way, have I told you it might be weeks before I decide whether to play or not?

Brett, life isn’t Robert Earl Keen singing “The Road Goes On Forever and the Party Never Ends.”  Truth is, the road does end.  Or in Brett’s case, did end, last November, when the curtain came down, hopefully for the last time, on The Dairy Queen.

1.  I am feeling like a wimp, a gutless, chicken-hearted wimp.  Here I am, likely in the last quartile of my life, and I have yet to engage the services of a gang to shoot someone else.  In fact, ashamed though I am to admit it, I’ve never called someone out in the street with the threat to beat him up myself.  I’m not nuanced in such activities, but I suspect it’s a street cred thing that first you have to make the threat yourself, in person, leading with your chin or crotch or whatever, before you can call on Hessians or locals or whatevers to do your shootings for you.  I mean, after all, there is honor involved here, right?

2.  It shouldn’t go without notice that the Dallas Cowboys will not be charged with any salary cap effect from the short stay and quick release of Adam Jones.  So it’s not like Dallas was stupid to sign Adam Jones. If it didn’t bite Dallas in the SCB (Salary Cap Butt), then signing Pacman was really a victory ~ sort of like the victory Buttercup Puffalump claimed last year for Dallas’ bye week during the wild card weekend games.

3.  Our man Adam gets into a fight with Tommy Jones ~ just a three letter Lee from fame and fortune and silver screen immortality ~ his bodyguard, and loses, allegedly costing Adam $247,000 in salary for his six week suspension as well as $1.35 million in roster and workout bonuses over the next two years.  At least Jerry Cooney got paid for the beating he took from Larry Holmes.  Why does the name Roy Tarpley slowly surface at this time?

4.  As you know, the NFL uses a QB Rating System that takes into consideration completions as a percentage of attempts, yards gained per attempt, touchdown passes per attempt, and interceptions per attempt.  Sadly, there’s no comparable rating system for our man Adam.  But 4.5 yards per punt return attempt and no TD’s on punt returns or kickoffs and a fumble or muff or whatever on a couple of punts and/or kickoff returns and no interceptions as a DB and nothing returned for a TD as a DB . . . I’m thinking our man Adam’s rating would challenge no one other than poor old Brad Johnson and his QB rating.

5.  Speaking of body guards, and we were as you know if you were paying attention, when did four bodyguards on a 24/7 basis become de rigour for an NFL Super Star?  Nevertheless, as an integral part of Obama’s new economic stimulus, Barack is going to follow the JJP, a/k/a the Jerry Jones Plan, and provide a four man security team on a 24 hour basis for The Entertainment World.  Using this approach, Barack can put many able bodied men and women to work bodyguarding professional athletes, rock stars, Paris Hilton, Wayne Newton, Doogie Howser, and countless others who are famous for being famous.

6.  Stop it right now with the Shanahan talk.  In addition to Mike’s need to control butting up against Jerry’s need to control, look at the Broncos’ offensive linemen, smaller and quicker, and then look at the Dallas offensive linemen, really big and not so much with the quick, and think about the difference in offensive systems.  Remember that Denver traded Montrae Holland to Dallas because he was too big and slow for Denver’s offensive scheme, but he fit right in to Dallas’ offensive scheme for offensive linemen, i.e., big and slow and injured.  Shanahan doesn’t fit what Dallas has and does.  It is funny, though, that Shanahan’s one playoff victory in the PEE, Post Elway Era, is 100% more (or is it infinitely more ~ I get confused when comparing one to zero) than the Cows have amassed as Gunsmoke Switzer and Chan Gailey and Dave Campo and Bill Parcells and Buttercup Puffalump prowled the sidelines here under the guidance and direction of our man Jerry.

7.  And before we say goodbye to Buttercup Puffalump, who, like George W. Bush, is forgotten but not gone, let’s acknowledge with a group hug our group loss when his palms up gestures and the what the hell just happened look on his face disappear from your TV, hopefully forever.  That exquisite and recurring combo of hand gestures and facial contortions, signifying total incomprehension, not been seen since Art Shell patrolled the Rahdahs’ sidelines lo those many years ago.  That aspect of Buttercup Puffalump will be truly missed, much like Andy Devine is missed as “Cookie” to Roy Rogers, “Jingles” to Guy Madison in “The Adventures of Wild Bill Hickok” and Friar Tuck in Disney’s “Robin Hood.”  Wade just needs to leave for this comparison to come true.  Go ahead and leave.  Leave, please.  Leave now.  I’m not kidding.  Leave now.  Security!  Security!  We have a clean up on Aisle Four!  Where is Tommy Jones when we really need him?

Well, it’s done.  The change has been made.  No stone was left unturned, or in the case of a few of these clucks, no turn was left unstoned.  Anyhow, with the special teams coach canned and Adam Jones released, the Cows have made all the changes necessary for a successful 2009 assault on the Super Bowl.  I don’t know about you, but I’m sure feeling good right now.  The Dallas Cowboys/2009 are the Ogop, a/k/a The Anti-Pogo, as in “We have met the enemy, and he most certainly isn’t us.”

Taking a clue from the success of the domestic airline industry, when JerryWorld, a/k/a The Boss Hogg Bowl, opens up in September, all the seats will come with an in-game air sickness bag so that you can upchuck while watching Dancing with Dysfunction and not disturb your neighbor, who will be wondering why on earth s/he paid Aston Martin prices for Studebaker season tickets?

It is time to conjure up the base line, fundamental starting point for evaluating an enterprise ~~ any enterprise ~~ which is simply this: If you don’t see concrete evidence of a plan, don’t assume there is a plan.  Said another way, don’t fall for the idea that “they know what they’re doing.”  No they don’t.  Just because they own the thing, just because they’re president of the thing, just because they’re the general manager of the thing, doesn’t mean, under any circumstances, that they know what they’re doing.  Just because you’re the baddest guy on your street doesn’t mean you’re the baddest guy in town.  Repeat:  If you don’t see concrete evidence of a plan, don’t assume there is a plan because nothing is fool proof to a sufficiently talented fool.  Hello, Jerry.

Laurel No. 1:  Silly me.   I thought the Cowboys’ special teams set the standard for poopiness, but no, they didn’t.  It turns out that Oden and the Vikings were worse than Dallas in punt and kickoff coverage, and based on how this past bile-ladened season worked out for Dallas, the Cows are willing to call this kick and punt coverage news a victory.  Buttercup Puffalump considered last year’s playoff season bye week a playoff victory for the Pokes.  Using that same logic, this year’s miserable showing by the Minnesota lads on punt and kickoff coverage counts as another victory for Dallas.  “Please reset the Cowboys’ season record to 10 - 6 and put one more enablement back on the clock.”  The Vikings’ special team limited their 17 regular season and playoff opponents to a mere seven TDs this season.  In last Sunday’s playoff game, the Vikes held the Eagles’ DeSean Jackson to returns of 40 and 62 yards in a solid display of punt coverage.  Perhaps the Cows were hasty in firing Bruce Reid, their special teams coach, as he might not be the most unknowledgable human being on the planet regarding kick and punt coverages.

Laurel No. 2:  This one is shared by Tarvaris Jackson and Tony Romo.  I believe I’ve made it clear that I don’t do research, but I’ve heard that Peyton Manning did not win his first playoff game until his sixth attempt.  By that standard that we’re pretending is true or close thereto, Tarvaris Jackson is way ahead of Peyton Manning as he is poised to win his first playoff game in his second attempt.  We can all imagine that Peyton would drool at that opportunity if it could come around again.  Tony Dimples, our local lad, whiffed on his first attempt, re-whiffed on his second, and didn’t even get to the whiff stage on his third.  Accordingly, Tony Romo is pumped and primed to win his first playoff game in his third attempt - again, a far superior record to that established by Peyton Manning.  Manning may be the King of the TV Commercials, but he’s a far cry from being in Tarvaris’ or Tony’s league when it comes to being a winning, playoff caliber, NFL quarterback.

It’s this sort of information that makes the 2008 season a special one for the Dallas Cowboys.  Don’t bother to thank me, and don’t hate me because I’m beautiful.