See? Just like I said, Cubs done in three. That IS what I said, right? Well, it was something like that.
Apparently, while no one was watching the Dodgers put together the best team in the National League. Wow. But with all due credit to LA, what a pathetic effort by the Cubs. Tom was exactly right, it was the lineup that killed them. Soriano hit enough grounders to have succeeded nicely in croquet. Jim Edmonds, whom we said would have to be a key, was 2 for 10 with one RBI. The other lefty batter, Fukudome, was an embarrasment, going 0 for 9 with 5 K’s. Memo to Cubs: if you want to end a 100-year losing streak, don’t curl up in a ball and blow away just because of one grand slam in the 5th inning of the first game.
And so it goes, Cub fans will again have to wait at least one more year. For over 50 years, fans of the Cubs, White Sox and Red Sox all shared a common miserable lot in life, forming the holy triumvirate of baseball suffering. Not so any longer. Both sets of Sox have had their misery washed away this century, winning three of the last four titles between them. But the heartache just keeps piling on for the Cubs.
OK, so if the Cubs are now the unquestioned leaders of inflicting pain on their followers, who’s second? Or third? With the New Englanders and South Siders off somewhere polishing trophies, who is falling in line behind the Cubs for the right to whine, gripe and moan the loudest?
To answer this question, I have created the “Fan Misery Index,” yet another needless attempt to quantify the unquantifiable.
The primary component of the Fan Misery Index is the number of years a team has gone since it’s last world championship (or if none, then since its creation). However, there are two other forms of misery that eat at the baseball fan’s soul: (1) the pain of horrible, hope crushing seasons, where your team is out of the running by memorial day (we’ll call this “Royal Pain,” after the Kansas City team that has the most of these seasons in recent years) and (2) the pain of getting close but coming up short with losses in the playoffs or series (we’ll call this “Brave Pain,” after the Atlanta teams that turned this into an art form in the ’90’s).
The Fan Misery Index assigns additional points for seasons of Royal Pain or Brave Pain since 1961 (and a few bonus points for famous collapses, like the ‘64 Phillies, ‘78 Red Sox, or 2007 Mets). Then we deducted points for titles won since 1961. Why 1961? Well, in part because anything that happened before then is starting to get into the misery of prior generations (though not entirely, for all of our readers). But the main reason is that it standardizes for geographical changes and for the expansion era. For example, I’m not sure how the St. Louis Browns’ three consecutive 100 loss seasons from 1910 to 1912 are really relevant to the misery of a current Baltimore Orioles fan. And fans who lost a team, like those in Brooklyn, were inflicted with a special type of pain that my index could never hope to measure.
Without further adieu, the top five most miserable fans in baseball (with index score):
1. Chicago Cubs, 164. The Gold Standard. 101 years without winning the series, 63 without playing in it. Crushing playoff losses, dreadful 100 loss seasons, stunning collapses, Steve Bartman, cursed billy goats, they’ve had it all. The system doesn’t even give them credit for the seven world series losses between 1910 and 1945 but yes, that happened too. As Tim Kazurinsky said on SNL, “Why does God hate the Cubs?” And that was 25 years ago.
2. Cleveland Indians, 113. The last title for the tribe was in 1948, a team that was led by Bob Feller, Bob Lemon and Lou Boudreau. It was so long ago that Satchel Paige played for that team. Since then, it’s been the perfect storm of long, hopeless stretches mixed together with excruciating near misses–from the team with the best record in history being swept in ‘54, to Jose Mesa blowing it in game 7 in ‘97. And I didn’t even count off for those ridiculous uniforms of the ’70’s, which had to be demoralizing. If the upper Midwest were as filled with poets and writers as New England, the Indians would be the new Red Sox.
3. San Diego Padres, 106. Thirty nine years of existence, no titles, and more 95+ loss seasons than any team in baseball during that time. And unlike Cleveland, they didn’t stop at one set of ugly uniforms, they made at least four different tries at turning a beef chimichanga into an acceptable set of baseball clothes. What separates them from the competition here is that they got their fans hopes up not once but twice, by advancing to the world series–and then barely even showing up, winning exactly one game in 9 tries.
4. Texas Rangers/Washington Senators (the expansion Senators), 105. Ugh. You knew this was coming. If the Rangers ever had ANY postseason success they would rank ahead of the Padres but, frankly folks, fans here have never gotten their hopes up enough to have them be truly crushed. Just one long, hot, miserable endless summer of below average ballplaying.
5. Tie: Houston Astros and San Francisco Giants, 103. Arriving with the Mets in ‘62, the Astros have managed to avoid winning anything despite more than a few good runs at it. Must be something in the water in Texas. The Giants’ last title came in 1954, when Willie Mays was 23 years old, the voters liked Ike, and the only team playing in San Francisco was a minor league team called the Seals. Bonus points for enduring the bittersweet tragedy of a native son and local fave breaking Aaron’s record under a cloud of taint and controversy. More bonus points for winning 103 games in ‘93 and still not making the playoffs.
The highest ranked team still alive in this year’s playoffs is, by far, the Phillies–7th on the overall list with 91 Fan Misery Index points. One title in 120 years of existence, none in the last 28, and a score of awful teams mixed with some near misses has made the Philly fans a sour group. But then, you knew that already, what with the booing Santa Claus and all. If you want to see a fan base get some redemption this year, put on your Phillies cap. Or if you like to see people suffer, then this is the team you are rooting against.
The complete listing follows. For those detail oriented types that want to know my exact methodology, post a comment and I will send it to you.
Cubs 164
Indians 113
Padres 106
Rangers 105
Astros 103
Giants 103
Phillies 91
Mariners 90
Mets 89
Expos/Nats 87
Brewers 84
Royals 83
Braves 77
Pirates 76
Orioles 64
Tigers 64
A’s 60
Rays 56
Twins 50
Rockies 50
Reds 49
Blue Jays 49
Dodgers 48
Red Sox 45
Angels 43
White Sox 38
D-Backs 36
Marlins 29
Cardinals 27
Yankees 24
