INDIANAPOLIS (AP) — Scouts gathered at this week’s NFL scouting combine have been disappointed by some of the 40-yard dash times turned in by big names such as Ohio State’s Chris Wells and Florida’s Percy Harvin. However, one name has been turning heads with a dazzling 40 time of 4.28 seconds.

Fourteen year old Brianna Sydney of Benjamin Harrison Middle School turned in the fastest time of any runner at this year’s combine, causing several teams to immediately move her onto their radar screens. “The game today is about speed,” said Titans’ general manager Mike Reinfeldt, “and this girl has it.” Reinfeldt hit a home run in last year’s draft by taking unheralded RB Chris Johnson out of East Carolina, who ran a 4.24 in the 40. “We don’t care where they played their college ball….or IF they played college ball…we’re just looking for someone who can break a stopwatch.”

Colts’ GM Bill Polian agreed. “Sure we could waste time looking at things like ‘yards gained’ or ‘touchdowns scored’ or ‘championships won’ ,” said Polian, while making annoying “air quotes” with his fingers. “Or we can just cut through that nonsense and take the fastest runner here. Because frankly, if I draft the fastest runner here, I just don’t think I can be blamed for that if it doesn’t work out.”

Miami’s Bill Parcells said that uncertainty about Sydney’s position and her complete lack of any football experience are of little concern. ”This is a talent acquisition business,” claimed Parcells, “and in the NFL, speed is talent. I can teach her to play football, but you can’t teach speed.”  

The 5′2″, 110 pound Sydney, who was simply visiting the combine as a spectator when she decided to run “on a dare,” seemed to enjoy the attention. “I mean, I think it’s like really cool and everything, and everyone has been, like SOOO nice to me. I hope I get to play for the Colts, it’d be crackalactic if me and Peyton Manning were BFFs.”

Polian rebuffed any suggestion by reporters that a prepubescent female can’t make it in the rigorous world of the NFL, citing the tremendous success already enjoyed by Tom Brady.

-RH

HOUSTON (AP) — After ten seasons with the Houston Astros, catcher Brad Ausmus will not be returning for 2009. This, amid allegations that Ausmus has continuously failed to test positive for performance enhancing drugs.

General Manager Ed Wade issued a statement explaining the team’s decision not to retain Ausmus. “We pay these players enormous amounts of money. We have an expectation–and the fans have an expectation–that the players will do whatever is necessary to perform at the highest level possible. Brad has been with us a long time, but his old-fashioned combination of defense, veteran savvy and boyish good looks just doesn’t cut it anymore.”

Reached for comment, Wade said the team had suspicions about Ausmus for some time. “All of the tell-tale signs were there,” admitted Wade. “He’s even tempered, never injured, and he still has all of his hair. Besides, after awhile his numbers were just getting ridiculous. Sixteen homers in five years? C’mon. A-Rod can do that in a month.”

Ausmus publicly apologized in a tearful press conference last week. “I just want to say that I made a foolish and youthful decision, one that I deeply regret,” said a downbeat Ausmus. “Despite my obligations to my employers, teammates, and the game of baseball, I could not resist the temptation to forego performance enhancing drugs. I apologize to the Astros, their fans, and the American Pharmaceutical Association. Most of all, I regret that I let down all of the kids out there, who look up to me while faithfully taking their Ritilin every day.”

Ausmus will have an opportunity to redeem himself, as he reported to training camp today as a member of the Los Angeles Dodgers. “They’ll sign anybody,” sneered Wade. “Last year they signed Andruw Jones at the precise moment that he clearly stopped  taking PEDs. The Dodgers as an organization simply have no regard for the disregard of baseball rules and traditions.”

It’s a sad end to a fine run for Brad Ausmus in Houston. Wade is doubtful that the relationship can ever be repaired. “He swears he wasn’t clean the entire time,” Wade said, “but just look at the evidence. In the majors since ‘93 and he’s never hit more than 9 homers in a season. Frankly, the whole thing just disgusts me.”

-RH

HATTIESBURG, Miss. (AP) — In keeping with tradition, NFL Pro Bowl week has again been followed this year by Bret Favre retirement week. The future Hall of Fame quarterback released a statement on Tuesday announcing his retirement from professional football.

Reached at his home in Mississippi, Favre was upbeat. “I feel good about this year’s retirement,” he commented. “Sure, there are some things I might have done differently. But I can learn from those mistakes and make sure next year’s retirement is the best ever. This one is already a huge improvement over last season.”

For Favre, it all comes down to doing what he loves. While sipping a beer on his deck, Favre said “every year I think ‘maybe this is the year I’m finally going to do it…just keep playing and give up retirement once and for all.’ But then, you know how it is, December rolls around, and then January, and I just get that itch. The  parties, the glowing tributes, the heartfelt farewells–it’s an unbelievable rush. It’s hard to give that up. After awhile, it’s something that is just in your blood.”

When asked if he will return to play in the NFL this Fall, Favre is hesitant. “Well look,” he said, “It’s too early to make any decisions about that. We’ve got a whole summer of offseason programs and mini-camps for other players to go to, and I don’t see any reason to rush into a decision until after those are over.” Then he added, with a wink, “but I am already working on some really cool ideas for next year’s retirement party.”

“The bottom line is, I feel good, I feel like I could retire another 4, maybe 5 times.” Here’s hoping that he’s true to those words. The NFL in February just wouldn’t be the same without old #4 hangin’ ‘em up.

-RH